


Tying the Tie

by Jenny_Starseed



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Dialogue Fic, Gen, Humor, script style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-15
Updated: 2012-01-15
Packaged: 2017-10-29 14:04:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/320715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenny_Starseed/pseuds/Jenny_Starseed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A clip-on or knotted tie? Martin and Douglas debate among themselves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tying the Tie

**Douglas:** Martin, good to see you looking a little ruffled this morning.

 **Martin:** Do I?

 **Douglas:** You’re not wearing your tie.

 **Martin:** I’m not? Drats. I had a really long night delivering a bunch of house wares. I barely had time to sleep.

 **Douglas:** No worries. You can borrow one of mine.

 **Martin:** You have an extra tie you could lend me?

 **Douglas:** Yes. Front pocket of my overnight bag. You have a variety shades to choose from.

 **Martin:** Haha. But standard regulation colour is navy blue.

 **Douglas:** You’d be surprised of how many shades of navy blue there are out in the world. Oceanic navy blue, standard navy blue one and two, skipper navy blue.

 **Arthur:** Oooh! There’s a navy blue named after you skipper!

 **Martin:** No there isn’t! Douglas is just making it up. Douglas, these are all clip-ons!

 **Douglas:** Does sir object?

 **Martin:** I can’t wear a clip-on! It’s not professional!

 **Douglas:** Oh, and how is it not professional? Are clip on ties the MJN equivalent of flip flops and jammies on casual Fridays at the office? Do please enlighten me.

 **Arthur:** I used to wear clip-ons all the time as a kid! Especially the polka dot bow-tie! I had many of them, not just one, in rainbow colours! It was brilliant until my mom...actually, I don’t know what happened to them. But I think my mom put them somewhere for safe keeping once I suggested I could wear them as part of my steward uniform. Clip-ons are brilliant. All the posh without the work! And I love doing less boring work when I can.

 **Martin:** See that’s my point exactly. Carolyn doesn’t allow them.

 **Douglas:** Carolyn doesn’t allow rainbow polka-dot bow ties. I’ve been wearing these clip-ons for 15 years and Carolyn has not said one thing about them. Besides, it’s better than wearing no tie. Why, if I didn’t know better, I would have thought you had a late-night shag and slept in, until I remembered who I was talking about. Flying without a tie denotes a certain laissez faire attitude to one’s work ethic, being ruffian slacker who thinks he can bend the rules, an irresponsible scruffy pilot that’s not fit to wear that ridiculous hat. Sir should stop being a tight arse and wear the clip-on tie and no one but tight arse sir would know the wiser.

 **Martin:** Oh alright. Where exactly do you clip this, Douglas?

 **Arthur:** Oh skip! Let me show you! Here, that’s where it goes. Now you look like you’re ready to fly!

 **Martin:** Thank you, Arthur. So, Douglas, all this time I’ve been flying with you, you’ve been wearing a clip on?

 **Douglas:** Yes. Is there a problem with that?

 **Martin:** No. I’m just surprised. I thought you would be the sort that would sneer at clip-ons, what made you change your mind about them 15 years ago?

 **Douglas:** Ah, the divorce with the first Mrs. Richardson. After 7 years of bickering and jealousy, I was a free man to do as I pleased. This meant sleeping with a ridiculous amount of women at various points around the globe. After the 10th time of struggling with the morning neck tie, the teasing insinuations that come with quick crooked tie tying, the clip-on was a God send. With a clip-on tie, I always looked professional no matter what.

 **Martin:** But aren’t you afraid that this will fall off?

 **Douglas:** Fall off into where?

 **Martin:** I don’t know. Your squash soup, or over the instruments....

 **Douglas:** Dear me, not the instruments!

 **Martin:** But don’t you feel a bit cheapened without a full knotted tie?

 **Douglas:** Are you asking me if a clipped-on tie emasculates me? I assure you, Martin, I’m quite secure in that area.

 **Martin:** It’s just not very dignified!

 **Douglas:** Dignity is in the eye of the beholder. I don’t particularly care and being respectable and dignified is a matter of attitude. If I act like a respected and dignified man, no one cares one whit if I have a clip on tie. Even more so if I believe it. The only those who are over-compensating with insecurity need something as trivial as knowing whether or not they’re wearing a real tie. They, and I mean you, have a pitiful urge to prove or indicate their respectability to themselves with something obscure and fussy as wearing Windsor- knotted tie, something that no one notices anyways.

 **Martin:** Yes, that’s all fine to say. But don’t tell me you would wear a clip-on to a funeral, or a wedding, or your own wedding for that matter.

 **Douglas:** Of course not, what do you take me for?

 **Martin:** Then, HA! You’d admit that tying your own tie does denote a bit of respect and sophistication.

 **Douglas:** Martin, I have more important things to do than to worry about wearing a tied tie on a daily basis.

 **Martin:** But it doesn’t even take that long to tie a tie. I can do it in 1.7 minutes!

 **Douglas:** And you timed it?

 **Martin:** Yes, I have. It’s a good thing to know.

 **Douglas:** I’m sure it is.

 **Martin:** Maybe you’ve forgotten how to tie one.

 **Douglas:** I have not.

 **Martin:** I bet you have.

 **Douglas:** A bet, huh? I bet you the cheese tray...

 **Martin:** Not the whole tray!

 **Douglas:** The camembert, that I can tie a Windsor knot in less than 2 minutes.

 **Martin:** Done. Wait, you don’t have a tie here.

 **Douglas:** You’ll find one in the bottom of the back-pocket somewhere....

 **Martin:** Douglas! This one has Christmas trees on it!

 **Arthur:** Oh! You still have my Christmas gift! If you wear that tie Douglas, does this mean it is Christmas morning again?

 **Douglas:** No Arthur.

 **Arthur:** Ahh...but that tie makes everything so much more festive! Especially since my mom put away my bow ties for safe...keeping.

 **Douglas:** You’re right. I can think of a far better bet. If I lose, you can have the camembert for the rest of the week.

 **Martin:** And If you win?

 **Douglas:** You’ll have to wear this tie for the rest of the week.

 **Martin:** No! That is utterly unprofessional. I refuse.

 **Douglas:** Fine. Sir automatically loses.

 **Martin:** How can I automatically lose if I never competed?

 **Douglas:** Haven’t your mother always told you quitters never prosper? Unless...you know I’ll win and you don’t want to wear the Christmas tie for the week.

 **Martin:** That is patently ridiculous! I’m not afraid of wearing a silly tie!

 **Douglas:** Not afraid, no. But it will be embarrassing. Very embarrassing.

 **Martin:** No, how about I win, you have to wear the tie for the rest of the week?

 **Douglas:** Is sir giving up the one chance he can win the cheese tray so that he can embarrass his first officer?

 **Martin:** So you do think you’re going to lose!

 **Douglas:** I said no such thing. I’m just speculating on sir’s judgement of probability and luck.

 **Martin:** If you tie a Windsor knot with this tie in less than two minutes, I will wear the Christmas tie for a whole week. If you go over two minutes, you will have to wear the Christmas tie for a whole week. Are we agreed on the terms of the bet?

 **Douglas:** Yes, I say we are.

 **Martin:** Good, all we need is a stop watch.

 **Douglas:** You’ll find one in my back pocket.

 **Martin:** Why in the world do you have a stop-watch in your back pocket?

 **Douglas:** One never knows when you need one. You’d be surprised on how many drinking and sex games need a stop-watch.

 **Martin:** Sex games..? No, I don’t need the details. It’s clean, isn’t it?

 **Douglas:** Yes, it is. Disinfected after every--

 **Martin:** Alright then! Get your tie ready....and...wait...let me set this up...two minutes, and GO!

(Douglas ties the Windsor knot)

 **Martin:** 1 minute, 45 seconds!

 **Douglas:** I win. Now sir has the honour of wearing the Christmas tie.

 **Arthur:** Hurray! Does this mean we can do Christmas charades and carols?

 **Douglas and Martin:** NO!!

 **Martin:** Fine, give me the tie, Douglas. There, are you happy now?

 **Arthur:** I’m quite happy, Skip. Christmas ties always put me in a good mood.

 **Martin:** I’ve been wondering about that. Why do you still have the Christmas tie in your back pocket?

 **Douglas:** A little festive element is always welcome when you’re a bit kinky.

 **Martin:** Oh god, I don’t want to know.

 **Douglas:** But sir had asked. One is obliged to answer.

 **Martin:** *groan* Do I have to ask if this is disinfected as well?

 **Douglas:** I think this is a good time to introduce a bit of adventure and mystery into sir’s life.

 **Martin:** Douglas!

 **Douglas:** Fine. Fine. The tie is clean.

 **Martin:** You promise?

 **Douglas:** Fine, I promise.

 **Martin:** Ok then.

 **Arthur:** Chaps! Does that mean no Christmas carols or charades?

 **Douglas and Martin:** YES!

 **Martin:** It’s July, no one sings Christmas carols in July.

 **Arthur:** I sing Christmas carols in July!

 **Douglas:** You would, wouldn’t you?

 **Arthur:** I would and I will!

 **Douglas and Martin:** NO!

 **Arthur:** Oh, alright. Have it your way. I’ll just make your dinners more Christmas-y then.

 **Douglas:** Good God.

 **Arthur:** I still have some green food colouring somewhere...hang on a tic, I’ll be back.

(Arthur exits the flight deck)

 **Douglas:** Well, isn’t sir happy that he’s wearing a real tie instead of its more tasteful imposter?

 **Martin:** Shut up, Douglas. And you have to agree, on some level, that clip on ties are...

 **Douglas:** Are what, Martin? Happy? Sad? Lactose intolerant?

 **Martin:** Tacky and undignified!

 **Douglas:** No more tacky and undignified than your tie. You know it’s a reversible tie, merry Saint Nick is grinning into your shirt buttons as we speak.

 **Martin:** How is it a reversible...! Oh, it is. How novel.

 **Douglas:** Frankly, I find a knotted tie tiresome. We are on long flights without many comforts, I take any sort of comfort I can get. I find that more important than any misconceived notion of transferred dignity I may or may not get from wearing what is essentially a noose around my neck for 8 hours. There are very few occasions where I would wear a knotted tie.

 **Martin:** Such as?

 **Douglas:** Well, anniversaries, the occasional office party.

 **Martin:** We don’t have any office parties.

 **Douglas:** No, seeing we don’t have an office. We have plane parties.

 **Martin:** No, we don’t even have that!

 **Douglas:** No, that’s true.

 **Martin:** So, when was the last time you wore a tie?

 **Douglas:** Last year. Helena gave me wonderful silk green tie, it was quite lovely.

 **Martin:** And none since then?

 **Douglas:** No, I have no reason to tie a tie for anyone, unless it’s for you my dear captain. And I was quite happily rewarded for it.

 **Martin:** Yes I know. You’ve got your jollies for a week. Unless Carolyn deems it inappropriate and against dress code.

 **Douglas:** I somehow find that unlikely.

 **Martin:** And why not?

 **Douglas:** She likes embarrassing you as much as I do.

 **Martin:** *humph*

 **Douglas:** Martin, I only wear my knotted ties on special occasions. I’m not a woman, I don’t care to physically suffer for my looks. Women curse their high heels, I curse my knotted ties.

 **Martin:** So, only a very special someone could convince you to wear a knotted tie, outside a bet of course.

 **Douglas:** You could say that.

 **Martin:** So...is there...errr...someone?

 **Douglas:** Martin, are you prying into my personal life?

 **Martin:** I’m not prying. It’s not prying to ask some basic and reasonable questions about one’s personal life. You’ve asked me and I’ve answered with possibly more details than I would have liked.

 **Douglas:** Well, for your information, it’s not reasonable for me. Private is private after all.

 **Martin:** If that’s the way you feel...

 **Douglas:** Yes, Martin, that is how I feel.

 **Martin:** Oh, ok.

(Awkward silence)

 **Martin:** I don’t know why you’re so bothered by it. There are loads of people who’ve failed and haven’t found anyone. I’m sure you’ll find someone.

 **Douglas:** Oh, really?

 **Martin:** Yes. You have a smarmy way to getting whatever you want, I’m sure you could get anyone you want that would surpass Helena.

 **Douglas:** You think so?

 **Martin:** Yes, I do.

 **Douglas:** I don’t disagree.

 **Martin:** Oh, of course you wouldn’t.

 **Douglas:** Good thing we’ve established that. By the way, did you know Arthur has found a version of that tie that sings and lights up with a touch of a button?

 **Martin:** Good God, don’t tell me...

 **Douglas:** It will match the lights he plans to put on your captain’s hat this Christmas.

 **Martin:** Why are you telling me this?

 **Douglas:** Because one always wants to know what they’re getting for Christmas before Christmas Eve. They’re eco-friendly LCD lights to boot.

 **Martin:** You’re telling me I’m going to be a walking, twinkling Christmas tree captain this coming December?

 **Douglas:** Afraid so. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

**Author's Note:**

> Another very early Cabin Pressure fic I wrote for a prompt meme asking for a fic about Airline dress codes for pilots. Like a lot of my early Cabin Pressure fics, it’s a dialogue fic. This time in script form. Enjoy.
> 
> I don't own any of the characters. They all belong to Mr. John Finnemore. Unbeta-ed and unbrit-picked.


End file.
